A no thank you

I have an advanced degree in a somewhat esoteric field called Applied English Linguistics. Never heard of it? Oh, well it's an academic field of study that's big in Europe.

Tiny aside. That phrase, big in Europe, is something I pull out of my bag of conversational tricks when I want to describe something that I don't know much about. Like cognac. Or cyclocross. Or things that I'm super into, but that might be lame. I throw that phrase out there to give them, oh how do you say a little je ne sais quoi to up the cool factor. Like gold lamé. Or white lycra. Or the couch I'm about to buy.

Or sometimes, it's a default phrase deployed if I don't have the energy to actually describe said thing. Suddenly I hear the words, Well, it's really big in Europe, tumbling out of my mouth and then I find myself cocking my head to the side and sort of doing that frowny, hands raised, palms upturned gesture.

I admit it. Sort of a dick move. Because are you actually going to disagree with me that cognac is not big in Europe? Probs not.

But anyway, back to that degree. A lot of people assume that I'm some sort of grammar marm who subscribes to any and all traditional conventions about language, punctuation and everything in-between. Like, maybe I have yard signs that say stuff like, Give me the Oxford comma or give me death or Grammar rights or Strunk & White for President. People will actually stop talking at the mention of this degree. Or they will preface emails with things like, Sorry. I wrote this in a hurry, it probably has tons of grammatical errors.

I'll be honest, no need to watch what you say or write around me. Because I don't care about your comma splice or lack of capitalization or your dangling participle. And that's not how I roll anyway.

Sure, I took syntax, phonology and conversational analysis courses. And yes, my knowledge of the English language and the building blocks upon which it is built likely surpass the common person's grasp of the words we speak, day in, day out.

But more than anything else, I studied how people use language. And how they don't use language. I had, and still have, a particular fondness for regional dialect and regionalisms. I studied, very generally speaking, what you meant by that. And how you conveyed what you meant. I actually have a penchant for slang. Srsly. I luh dat.

But I'll be honest, there are a few things regarding language that get me super hot under the collar. For example, I get really riled up about people not understanding something that I find to be really super basic. And this simple thing is the difference between to and too, or your and you're. It bugs the living hell out of me. Your insane. Gah. You are to funny. Come on. But for real, who's it from?

I mean what the what. Let's review:

The present is from me to you.  vs.  The present I actually wanted was too expensive. [Free tip for success: excess= extra 'o']

Your dog ate my glove.  vs. You're in trouble. [This one's pretty easy. You're is a contraction put together with the words you + are, as in you are in trouble. Sound it out, read it aloud.]

There, rules for getting it right.

No charge.